Midnight Ramblings

Of late I have been reading a lot at office. Most articles related to SEO, tips for blogging, random articles about technology, management, motivation, entrepreneurial experiences. I don't really know where I am going to use any of this but may be it will help somewhere down the line. 

My last post was about my birthday and this time it was celebrated with three groups. Office, Graduation friends, and Friends! I had planned for a night out which didn't work out. So what other plans got made and they worked out. What I have come to realise is plans would fail, people will disappoint you everytime. This is going to happen more often than I hope and desire for. Then its upto me what do I want to do with it! I can be upset with people and may be severe the relationship for lifetime or I can just care a damn about it and try to live with whatever is available. 

I have suffered a lot during the last one year! List of things which I have lost includes job, money, friendship, confidence, peace of mind and last but not the least a lot of hair! I 

My sweet memorable birthday !!!

A nice day to remember.... my birthday :). Enjoying each day as it comes is a nice way to live life. My day started with a lot of wishes. Krupa was the first to call and wish me :) So by the time I hit bed I had spoken to couple of people. As usual I went to temple, it was so serene. I guess we need to grow older to understand such nuances. Not that I comprehend all of that but still has started appreciating it. May be this is what growing up is part of. Anyways this post is not going to be about the things I am missing or that I want to correct, but its more about what fun I had. Coincidentally today was the last day of the training batch and the whole corporate team was out at some resort for some review I guess so even I was free. Its always nice to spend time with those guys. They have arranged for a cake and that was a nice surprise, plus I got a gift :) Once again thank you Priti for that! Then we had a fun little ceremony for giving out awards to them depending on the quirks that they have shown at the training room. Chameli, Chalbaaz, etc etc. Then everyone spoke about good things in others.

Post this we went to the park where we played a game of blindfolded person catching others. It didn't really feel stupid to do that. Felt nice that we could still manage something like this. 

I am addicted to the pain.

This is a work in progress... would like to write it as a proper poem.

I am in so much love with you that I don't know what to do. You delibrately hurt me, and I can't help but love you more! No one ever dared to do this to me. Coz I really never cared for any! Our relation has become so convulted that setting things straight seems a distant dream especially when you dont even want to talk about it. Everytime when you hurt me I promise myself that I will hate you. But even just forgetting you for a whole day seems a task. Then for some days I manage to keep myself away from you. All the while just observing you from far. I have been hurt so many times that now I am used to the pain. May be its just human nature to adapt that now I am addicted to the pain. I have tried a lot of things to remedy the pain right from Vodka to friends and even tried to fall in love. But it seems such a waste nothing compares to your hate and the subsequent hurt and pain! 

Even when I say this all I just want you to love me. When the whole world came crashing my only craving was your love. For I know if you would love me I can take on this world. Everytime we end our conversations and I am not hurt I think it would be a new begining but that does not happen.    

I just want to ask you how much can you hate me? and how much can you hurt me? I am addicted to the pain ... I am addicted to the pain. !!!

  

Friend turned Foe (Friend)

This blog was supposed to be a diary where I would jot down things happening in my life. Even calling it blog seems so incorrect. Anyways I have been writing a lot of nonsense these days. So today wont be any exception. 

I have one friend turned foe (friend). {Now I am going to make a lot of assumptions about the characteristics of this relationship and the person. This might be correct or incorrect} This is a strange relationship, this is a person who was your good friend, who knows a lot about you, but now they just don't like you. They would pay to see you fail. They get pleasure when your life is screwed up. They enjoy when you suffer, your suffering gives them a high. They can't leave you alone, they want to know every bit of information available about your life. Conversations are curt almost to the point of being rude, but they want to know how sad your life is! I have such a friend but I cant figure out how to deal with it. We communicate sometimes just so that they can know how screwed up my life is! Once they are assured that its screwed up enough I can see that contentment in their communication. If they find its not screwed up enough then they would say dig up something from your past which they think might hurt you! Then they would insult you so that you lose your cool and that's exactly what they are looking for. 

Most simple technique is to avoid such people, but that is like running from situation. So this time I have decided to do something different. What I have understood is losing my cool is the first step then the things that they say stay in your mind for sometimes making you suffer.This time I am not going to lose my cool and I am actually going to give something that they want. They want to hear that my life is miserable so that's what I am going to tell them. I just want to see how much pleasure they derive from it. Till what extend will they go with hurting me? Whats the upper limit? if there is any? For once I want to see them get satisfied with it! I would also like to know what I have done to deserve this from them. I love to see that smirk on the face but what they don't know is that if I were to follow their suit. I would have well just turned their worlds upside down! but you know what I am just gonna extend my benevolence to them!!!

Relationship Endings !!!

Just to put in records what all happened since the last post. 

I finally put my papers at my last organisation and got relieved by 31st. Ending relationships professional or personal is not a very easy task. The notice period that you serve is actually to windup all that you were in the middle off. Its to handover responsibilities so that the organisation can keep its promises through one of its agents who will succeed you. (so now just hold on to this thought). Also in the mean while two of my friends got married, one senior from IES and a Junior from Vivek and another friend from FYJC got engaged ... 

Phew .............!!! Its raining relationships, its valentines week and I do not have nothing much to do :) So I am going to write about Relationship Endings!

I have a very good friend who was in a relationship when we were in our graduation. Both of them were visibly interested in each other. Friends played cupid and the love blossomed. Everything was hunky dory for sometime. I don't exactly remember how long the relation worked but say couple of months atleast. Then it happened the guy felt that she is being too possessive. Symptoms being she couldn't stand him talking to any other girl in college. She even suspected her best friends intentions. My friend seem stuck and helpless in that non functional relationship. Her suicidal threats were more than enough motivation for us friends to finally help him with getting out of that relationship. We helped the guy get out of it with a lot of drama involved but no one hurt in the process except for the girl's heart I guess. But anyways she found a sweetheart within couple of months from our class itself !

Now this friend got into a second relation after sometime. This relation went on for quite a long time almost 2 years. I was not a cupid in this relationship so I hardly knew the girl. Both seemed serious about the relationship. Everything seemed nice, but they eventually broke up and the break up was messy! I didnt personally witness any but what I have gathered it was very hard for the girl. She couldn't come to terms with it for a long time and she tried to hurt herself just for this relationship. Anyways I recently came to know this girl better and I realised that she is a gem of a person. An actual sweetheart the ones you would proudly take home to your parents! 

So I asked my friend, who is single right now, Why his relationship ended with such a nice girl? 

His answer was "Yes I know that she is a wonderful person, I am still to meet someone so dedicated to only one person, I have met a lot of girls but not like her, but I was bored!!!"

That answer rattled me, but I guess that's a fact.... People get bored and they lose interest and they don't see any value in holding on to that relationship. That's when they call it quits! 

Still I can't seem to understand 

How can they forget the time that has been shared? 

How can one person become so selfish so soon?

Is everyone capable of ending relationships so fast?  

Should there be a notice period in personal relationships too? (It's from the thought which you held on to!)

[PS: Just in case my friends read this, guys this is not to make fun of you or something! I respect your decisions and thisdoesn't change the relationship that we share :)]

          

       

Taking stock of the situation !

Today when I sit back and look at my life. I see that there have been many set backs in my life. I am almost 27 years old, and I have not done anything worth mentioning. My whole life has just been going on, I have just been floating around going where my life was taking me. At this juncture when most of my peers are settled in their careers, mine seems to be going no where. I am stuck with a job which I am not enjoying at all. I am really not looking forward to going to office. The job which I want to seems to be elusive. Yesterday I missed an online submission date for bank exam which again could have been my chance to get in to something worth while. It seems as if I am  running away from problems. But then I have not really shied away from working hard or anything. I have had an immaculate record of 18 months of working at Sutherland. 

Getting the PG was suppose to change and bring in something good. That doesn't seems to be the case right now. The current situation is so messed up, that the whole point of being alive seems to be waste. I feel like a disappointment. I feel as if I have cheated my parents those who have trusted me so much. I so want to get into a proper marketing job where I can use something which I have learnt in college and not just sell products for companies. Sometimes I ask why me why am I being put through such problems? I have been fair most of the times. I have never bothered with others life. I always believed that we had to work our way and have always done my share of work. So even after doing all this it seems a little unfair that I have to go through such times.   

Life goes on

Sometimes I feel as if I am pushed into a corner and there is no where to go. You feel as if your whole life is just a big mistake. You feel weigh down by expectations of your family. To make matters worse your friends start acting up big time. You are always fire fighting. You start making one thing right and then you see other things go wrong.
I don't know if everyone has such a messed up life or is it just me. I just hope that its already bottomed out and now its time to rebound ....